Tough to Love: Saving Avery Read online

  “You can’t always be in charge,” I moaned, unable to speak any longer. I wanted him, wanted him to take me to the edge. And as our bodies melted into one another, we drained our stress and reached our peak.

  Pulling out, he stepped back and dropped onto the bed. I watched the man I love close his eyes and drift on the high of the orgasm. I wanted to love him forever. I needed him to love me back.

  I moved to the bed, curling up beside him. “I love you, Steel, I’m just afraid of losing you. I’m not broken anymore, and you can’t rescue me.”

  My words hit him like cold water to his face, a shock he wasn’t expecting. “You think that’s what this is? What the hell, Avery.”

  “What else is it?” I hated stating the obvious, but I needed to – for both of us.

  “I don’t have time for this,” he said, getting up, ignoring my words. “I’ve got to get out of here.”

  I knew he’d leave the house and not address the elephant in the room. Sex was easy; it was talking that was the real challenge. He got up to shower, leaving me to watch him exit the room.

  I’d need to run later, it was the only way I’d sort through my feelings. He’d be leaving soon anyway, and once the season started it would get pushed aside. That suited Steel just fine.

  Kira was finally heading back to Seattle. She decided it was home, and while she loved being around her brother, she wanted to live her own life. He couldn’t see that he was smothering her by trying to control her choices. When she was younger she liked his voice, wanted his direction, but as an adult her independence didn’t feel like her own with her brother nearby.

  On leaving, her words hit home. “He couldn’t save Mom, so he’s going to try to save you and me over and over again. You need to accept that.” She recognized it all along, and was telling me what I needed to know, answering my questions. She saw he loved me, and finally came to terms with that fact. “He does love you, Avery, but he’s battling his own demons. Let him be the hero once in a while, it helps him.”

  Chapter 14

  It was in the third game of the season, first and goal. In the fourth quarter the Red Hawks put him in the game, hoping he’d pull off the win. With the Red Hawks behind, a field goal would have tied the game, but the coach was going for the touchdown to seal the deal. He’d give Steel three tries to get the ball in the end zone. If he didn’t pull it off, they would kick on the fourth down and take the three easy points.

  He threw a perfect spiral, quickly lining up with his receiver. When the driving tackle came, he went down hard, pain shooting through him. Steel couldn’t see if the ball connected, but as the roar rose through the stadium, gutted with excitement, he knew they scored.

  Officials and medics were running out to the field as the rush of excitement fell to silence. People waited to see if Steel was okay as the tackle was shown over and over on the big screen. My head was spinning as the announcers analyzed the play. Lifting him up, they helped carry him to the medic cart which drove him off the field. Steel signaled with a thumb’s up, letting everyone know he was okay. The crowd cheered wildly.

  Only he wasn’t okay, and the pain was shredding through him with such ferocity that it took everything inside of him to not panic. This could mean the end of his season or even his career. The x-rays told them what he already knew, it was a fracture and he’d be sidelined.

  When I saw him take the hit, everything moved in slow motion. I knew it was a bad one, and saw him roll up over his leg, bending it way too far. Every single time he goes down, my eyes are glued to him, just making sure he gets back up. I sat behind the bench in seats set aside for family, and went to the home games, intending to continue the pattern as often as I could. Thankfully work shifted my schedule so that it didn’t interfere, understanding his position. They liked having some big star’s girl working at the bar – it gave them an air of credibility in their eyes. The other wives and girlfriends sat with me in the row of seats, but I wasn’t much of a socializer.

  On my feet, unable to look away, I saw the pain in his face. With people quickly surrounding him, it blocked my view. I couldn’t see, wanted to see, needed to see if he’d be okay. I was already tearing through the aisle, trying to get to the locker room as fast as I could. They’d take him for x-rays…and on glancing back at the big screen, I saw his thumb come up in some gesture that he was okay, though I knew he had to be hurting.

  The Red Hawks had a separate entrance for ball players and their family. We parked with special privileges and were seated close by, but I’ll be damned if I could get to him in that moment. I was forced to wait until they were done checking him over. I wasn’t a priority and had to suck it up and wait. Shuffled aside like someone in the way, I held in my panic.

  Those minutes of standing and pacing in the corridor were killing me. I wanted to be by his side, but this was business, and they had a lot of money at stake. His career would be on a standstill, and with a break he was benched while he healed and then went through physical therapy. On finally being allowed in to see him, I knew how much he meant to me. I couldn’t lose him, not now, not ever. He was my entire world.

  Steel took the news hard. Nothing prepared me for the mood swings that would follow. I didn’t know how to make it better, so I just stayed out of the way.

  ***

  One thing I had to focus on was finding a new job. It’s not that bartending didn’t pay me, but it seemed like a waste to sit with a degree and not at least attempt to find a job in my field. That’s laughable really though, because I had no clue what I wanted to do.

  The least I could do was send out my resume, though my confidence wasn’t at an all-time high. I must have easily gone over that thing fifty times, analyzing, rewording, and just trying to decide if it was good enough – if I was good enough.

  The lack of response hit me hard, and between Steel’s issues and my own we weren’t in a good place. We took our frustration out on each other, and I started to question if we’d even make it.

  “You can’t work at that crappy place forever,” he’d vent.

  “I’m trying,” I shot back. “It’s not like I didn’t put my resume out there, but nobody’s calling.”

  “That’s no excuse; find more places to apply then. You need take charge and push harder.”

  “Listen, I mean this in the gentlest way possible, but could you just stop. Stop pressuring me, stop telling me that I’m not doing enough, and just stop pushing me. I’m doing what I can.”

  Steel rolled his eyes, but it caught me in the wrong way that day.

  “You’re impossible,” I said, annoyed with his bitching. This wasn’t the first time, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. He let me know he expected more from me, and he wasn’t looking for a freeloader.

  Holy shit, when he said that word, I flipped shit. “Freeloader, are you serious? Fuck you. You dragged my ass here, begging me to stay. I was happy where I was before you felt the need to change my life.”

  “For the better, mind you. You were cowering in a bar when I met you, it’s not like you should be complaining.”

  “You’re an arrogant asshole, you know that?” I slammed the door behind me. I didn’t need this bullshit. If all he thought of me was that I was some money grubbing girl trying to get a free ride, I’d prove to him I could make it on my own again – like I did before I met him.

  Standing in front of Phil, I asked if my old room was available, or if he at least had another. I felt like a fool, trying to prove something, only when he told me they were all filled, I didn’t know where else to go.

  Did I truly want to move out to make some stupid point? Was I that stubborn that I was willing to throw it all away? This was nonsense, and with my head hung low I headed back home.

  Only on returning, he was packing my bag. “There you go big girl, I started for you. Go take care of yourself, because you obviously don’t need me. Don’t you fucking walk out on me; you aren’t in charge here, baby, don’t you ever forget that
. But if it’s your freedom you want, you’ve got it.”

  I was stunned, shocked, and couldn’t breathe. “Steel,” I said, tears in my eyes. “Are you serious?”

  He threw money on the table, “That will get you a hotel room for the night, and then you’re on your own. We’re through.”

  My stomach flipped. I never dreamed, never thought we’d be here – but he was in no mood to discuss it.

  I stood staring at him, wondering where I’d go. I didn’t want to go. It had nothing to do with the house; it had everything to do with Steel. He was my life, he was everything to me. I was banking on us going the distance, and just like that he shut me down. It was my fault really, I’m the one who walked out, and he was just calling my bluff.

  Hot tears started down my cheeks. I didn’t mean for this to happen. It came out of nowhere. We were both stressed. I loved Steel, I didn’t want to leave.

  We stood face to face, unable to move, unable to speak. Did he mean it? Did he want me to go? This was a mistake…and if I walked out door, things would never be the same. And yet just a bit ago, I was the one to leave. Now that it was his idea, the tables had turned.

  I swallowed my pride, humiliation and shame on my face, barely able to choke out the words, “I do need you. I don’t want to go,” I said, looking at him, not wanting to hold eye contact. I was embarrassed at where we were at, and felt like I was groveling. Flush filled my cheeks as I begged him to reconsider.

  “Steel, don’t do this,” I cried.

  “Do what? You wanted to leave, you walked out,” he growled.

  “It was a mistake.”

  He turned his head away, trying to absorb the moment, teetering on the edge.

  “I need you. You’re everything to me,” I pleaded.

  He wouldn’t look at me, but his tone softened. “I just want what’s best for you, if only you’d listen to me. You’re stubborn, Avery, and can’t see clearly sometimes.”

  I nodded, sobbing. I was afraid to say anything, so I let him take control of the conversation.

  “I want this to work, but you’ve got to let go and let me lead.”

  Dropping my head, I begged, “Please don’t make me go.”

  “You can stay,” he said, and reached an arm out. I walked toward him, and as he pulled me in, wrapping me in an embrace, I cried into his chest. It hit me that I almost lost him, and nothing would have shattered me more. Steel Brickman was my life.

  “I’m not myself right now,” he finally admitted. “This knee isn’t going to heal fast enough; I may get sidelined before I even get started.”

  “You’re worth the wait,” I whispered. “They’ll see that.”

  “I hope so,” he said, resting his head against mine.

  With the holidays approaching, we realized how far we’d come. He walked into the bar a year before, finding me a broken shell of a person. And yet, here we were all this time later. It was hard to grasp so much time had passed.

  I’d finally gotten a bite on a resume and had an interview coming up. Only when I got there and they told me it was for an opening in Dallas, I turned them down. While I wanted to start something, I didn’t want to do it far away from Steel. I’d hold out for another job. For now, I stayed put at Phil’s – at least it was something.

  I think it embarrassed him though, because he got antsy about me finding a new job, even a different bartending job – but Phil’s was turning into a sore spot. I finally put in for an opening at another local pub. He seemed pleased for the time, but it was always something. When I landed another job at Hops and Scotch, he complained that bartending wasn’t what I got my college degree for.

  I knew he wanted me to strive for more, to find my future, but without people returning my calls, there wasn’t much I could do.

  He was on the phone with his sister a lot, and at one point I overheard him mention I was wasting my life away serving booze. I was crushed; he said it with venom in his voice, not with hope of a better future. Did he think I wasn’t good enough based on my job?

  When I confronted him, he admitted that while it was okay at one point, he expected better things from me, but thought I was settling. The real problem was he had too much time on his hands. His physical therapy had him cagey and unsettled. He needed something to focus his time and energy on, since football wasn’t happening right now – and it was like I became his pet project.

  I couldn’t keep doing this, him trying to mold me, micro-manage my life, trying to change me. I mean, if he wanted to motivate me great, but it wasn’t that – it was more like he thought he knew what was best for me. It became smothering.

  Our fights were about my career, my lack of trying, and what was I going to do with my life. The pattern grew weary, and after one too many arguments, I caved.

  “Steel, this isn’t working,” I finally sighed. “I can’t be who you want me to be.”

  “I just want you to want more for yourself.”

  “What if I was perfectly happy being a bartender? Would that be enough?”

  He looked away, not wanting to voice his truth, that no, it wouldn’t be enough for him. He wanted a woman in his life who strived for greatness. He finally said it, and they were words he couldn’t undo. “I guess I just expected more out of you.”

  I felt like a wounded kitten. “So, I’m a disappointment. Why do you keep me around?”

  “I love you, Avery; I just don’t think I’m in love with you anymore. I’m losing respect for you, now that you’ve settled for mediocrity. I don’t know if I can live with that.”

  The sting was intense. The words were out and there was no going back.

  I wished him well and gathered my things. I had no idea where I’d stay, but for now I’d find a cheap hotel room until I could find something better. We were through here, there was nothing left. His words struck me hard, and if he wasn’t in love with me there was no point in staying.

  I found rooms that rented by the week at the “29 Slumber Motel” on the outside of town. It wasn’t pretty, but at least I had my own bathroom, unlike when I lived at Phil’s. The hotel was full of people that made the rent-by-week place their ongoing residence. I felt like a vagrant, but for now it would be home.

  I’d look for a house to share or room for rent in a nicer part of town when I found my motivation. Right now the only thing I wanted to do was curl up in bed and cry.

  When Steel came to Hops and Scotch, I wasn’t expecting him. Sitting at the bar, he waited for me to see him. I was in the back, grabbing a plate of food for a customer.

  Walking back, I stopped in my tracks. He knew I’d be here. Holding my breath, I glanced over and then approached him. “I’ve got to drop this plate off, I’ll be back.”

  He nodded.

  Taking a deep breath, I turned and went back. “What are you doing here?”

  “Come home, Avery. I miss you.”

  “You don’t love me,” my eyes were starting to mist over. Shit, I didn’t want to cry at work.

  “I do love you. I was a jerk. I can’t sleep without you by my side. Please baby, come home.”

  I swallowed hard, and as much as I wanted to tell him there was no way in hell I was going back, just to prove a point, I knew it would be stupid. I missed him and wanted to be with him, I just didn’t like where our relationship was going. I hoped it was something we could fix.

  I finally spoke, “I’ll get my stuff after work.”

  “Where is it? I’ll get it for you.”

  I handed him the key, “29 Slumber Motel, room six.”

  He nodded. “I’m sorry, Avery. I was wrong. I need you as much as you need me.”

  “I love you,” I got out before breaking into tears. I quickly corralled them, not wanting to lose control behind the bar. My customers didn’t need to see this.

  “We’ll make this right,” was all he said, and then got up to leave.

  I was stunned. Part of me wanted to be angry, but the other part was so relieved he’d be back in my
life. We belonged together. We needed each other.

  Chapter 15

  I was responsible for this. It wasn’t Avery’s fault. I felt like less of a man, my career on the line, not knowing what my future held. I’ve been an ass, unkind with my words. Sometimes I don’t filter myself like I should.

  Truth be told, Avery coming into my life made me feel complete. There was something sweet that came out. She was still guarded at times, but the way I feel when she’s in my arms makes me happy.

  I want what’s best for her, and she’s such a smart girl, that I worry she’ll settle for less than she deserves. I know her confidence took a hit a couple years ago, but she’s worth so much more than she realizes. She doesn’t project that, and then settles for good enough. She’s capable of so much more.

  I want to lift her onto my shoulders and help her reach her dreams, but the girl just doesn’t dream – at least not what I can see. Only in my effort to push her, I pushed too hard and came off like a jerk.

  She seems lost, uncertain what her future holds. I don’t know how to change that. I can’t make things better, I can’t fix it, and that’s a hard place for me to be. I feel so much saner when I’m in control – but she’s got to live her own life, and I need to let her.

  I don’t mean to come off as overbearing, it’s just that sometimes the way I love that girl overwhelms me. It’s in her lack of self-respect that I get frustrated. She muddles through, settles, and doesn’t reach for the stars. I’d buy her a god damned ladder if it would help, but I don’t know how to help anymore – and that puts me at a loss.

  The only thing I’m certain of anymore is that I both want and need Avery by my side. She’s everything to me.

  Shame ran through me as I pulled up to the “29 Slumber Motel”. It was a hole in the wall kind of place, she shouldn’t be living here. The white cinderblock walls were painted years ago and were peeling. The letters on the sign showed wear, and one of the letter e’s was missing, so the sign read “29 Slumb-r Motel”. It had fallen off ages ago. She deserves so much better than this shit hole, and it was me that sent her there. The cars in the parking lot were all jagged and tired, sitting with bald tires and too many miles on them.