Behind Closed Doors Read online

  Alex spoke. “I’d like to be forward, and ask you something.”

  I was curious, what could he be talking about? I waited to hear what he had to say.

  “I’d like to take you home with me tonight, if you’d consider it.”

  I blushed, not expecting those words. I knew what he was referring to. I hadn’t been with a man in a long time.

  “I can’t stop thinking about you, and I’d like to…” he stopped. “I’m moving too fast, I know.”

  “It does feel fast, Alex. We’re just getting back together. What’s the hurry?”

  “I’ve known you for a long time, Elle, and quite frankly have wanted to be a part of your life. After that happened and I turned away, I regretted it. I didn’t know what to do. I’m not good with a spotlight on me, and yet I didn’t stop having feelings for you. I started having feelings for you when we worked together.”

  “And I have feelings for you, but I don’t think I’m ready to go there yet. You do understand, don’t you? I’d like to take things slowly, Alex, I need to.”

  “I understand, and it was wrong of me to ask. It’s just that I have these urges, and then I see you,” he said quietly.

  The flush rose quickly to my cheeks, “I’m flattered, but I’m just not ready.”

  “I haven’t been with a woman in a while. I kept hoping it would be you,” he said.

  “It can be me, just not today,” I said, softly stroking his hand. “I haven’t…” I started, “well, it’s been a while for me too. Can you wait? I promise it will be worth it.”

  “Of course I can, it was wrong of me to bring it up so soon,” he said, apologizing.

  “I don’t mind, in fact I’m flattered. I hoped you were attracted to me that way,” I said looking down, a little embarrassed to admit that out loud.

  “I’m so attracted to you that it’s crazy. I’ve wanted to hold you in my arms and make love to you since before, and working with you,” he stopped. “I’ve said too much.”

  I smiled, “Alex, I’m flattered.” Changing the topic, “Why don’t you tell me what you’ve been up to at work?”

  The conversation got back on track, and I’m not even sure what spurred the earlier topic, but it left me warm and tingly inside. I felt wanted, desired, though I did feel like it would be rushing things to move on to those kinds of actions all ready. It was too soon, and I certainly wasn’t ready. I did care about Alex, but I needed things to move slower.

  At the end of the night, as he leaned in to kiss me, it was with more hunger and passion. His earlier words of desired filled my mind, and as my lips parted to accept his tongue into my mouth, I sighed lightly feeling him against me. The thought of his arms around me, naked, under the covers, I found myself more aroused than I intended. I couldn’t give that away – not tonight, or we’d end up doing things I wasn’t ready to do.

  In all honesty, it had been a long time since I’d been with a man. Harry and I barely had intimacy the last few years of our marriage. Once he’d taken to fooling around with other women, I wanted nothing to do with him, and felt foolish for staying as long as I did. I felt responsible though, like I was an important aspect of his career, and it seemed selfish leaving. When I regained my self-respect, leaving was the only thing left to do.

  I wondered what it would be like to be with another man. Harry and I spent countless hours making love early in our relationship, and then as our marriage faded, I barely even thought about those kinds of things. Now that my fires within were stirring again, I couldn’t help but linger on the naughty, delicious thoughts that drifted through my mind.

  Alex was a strong and confident man, and I expected him to be the same way in bed. I looked forward to when we’d share those kinds of moments, but there was no rush. I wanted to be sure I was ready before opening deeper feelings that would arise.

  I promised myself I’d take it one date at a time, and make a decision when it felt right. Alex promised not to pressure me, and the more we discussed it, the more he understood why I needed to wait. I needed to feel like we were both ready, and I just wasn’t.

  With school and studying, my time was more limited, but we managed to sneak in another date the following weekend. We went to a winery and enjoyed some wine tasting. As he dropped me off, he escorted me to the door. In the dim lighting, our lips and bodies pressed together. Alex’s hands caressed my body through my clothing, and as his mouth moved down to the curve of my neck, I felt a familiar warm sensation unfold inside of me. It would be so easy, so simple to open the door and invite him in to continue our sexual journey, but I forced myself to wait a little longer.

  We said our goodnights, and as he pulled the car out of my driveway, I turned to go inside. Closing the door, I pressed my body to it and lingered on the thoughts of his hands on my body.

  I wanted to invite him inside, but I knew that was asking for trouble. He was ready, and my body would have responded. It was better this way. It was in that instant that I heard the loud crash. It sounded close, way too close for comfort.

  I ran out the door to look, and there in front of my driveway were two mangled cars, one of them belonging to Alex. I screamed and ran, digging into my pocket for my phone. Running up to the scene, I called out for Alex, but he wasn’t moving. Dialing 9-1-1, I called in the accident. Assessing the scene, I scrambled to the other car. They seemed coherent. Running back to Alex’s car, I tugged and tugged at the handle of his car door but it wouldn’t budge. Panic ran through me, I felt vulnerable and helpless as he lay there unable to respond.

  The tears were hot down my face, and as the other people got out of their car, they came to help me pull at the car door. It was useless. He slowly started to stir, and I yelled out to him not to move, for fear of him doing any damage to his neck or back. Thankfully his airbag had deployed, but he must have hit his head on the window, because he was knocked out and there was blood lightly smeared on the glass that had partially shattered.

  I heard the sirens in the distance, but they didn’t come fast enough for my liking. I wanted them here now, and it felt like forever waiting. The couple in the other car was shaken up, and said they didn’t see him pulling out. It was too late before they could stop the car. How fast were they driving? This street has a speed limit of 35 mph, and the damage they did to the side of his car said they were going much faster. I controlled my fear and panic the best I was able, and tried to stay as calm as I could for Alex.

  I talked to him, to make sure he stayed awake and coherent. As the ambulance and police arrived, they went to work doing what needed to be done. They went in through the other side, something my brain just couldn’t fathom in my panicked state. It amazed me how they could look at a scene, see all the blood and stay true to their job.

  Soon Alex was boarded and on a gurney, and as they wheeled him to the ambulance, the officer on the scene asked for any details we had. I didn’t see anything as I was inside my home, but told him I placed the call on seeing what happened. Riding behind Alex to the hospital, I followed the ambulance to the emergency section of the hospital and parked my car. Rushing in, I made sure they knew I was with him, and that he knew I wasn’t going anywhere until I knew he was okay.

  If I’d invited him in, this wouldn’t have happened. I should have asked him inside. He’d be okay, and none of this would be going on. I felt guilt for something I couldn’t control, and even though I knew it wasn’t my fault, let myself feel the burden. He wanted to come inside with him – if I’d agreed…if he stayed…

  “Mrs. Michaels,” they finally called out to me. “You can come back now.”

  He had a concussion and would stay the night. The airbag prevented a much worse scenario, and with a few cuts and a bruise forming on the side of his face, I breathed a sigh of relief that Alex would be okay. Sitting beside him, I held his hand. “I was so scared. I thought I might lose you when you were so still,” I said, wiping a tear with my spare hand.

  “I’m right here,” he said. “I
’m not going anywhere.”

  I exhaled deeply, “Don’t you dare go anywhere, I’m not through with you yet,” I smiled softly and squeezed his hand.

  They kept him overnight for observation, and after a few hours I was sent home. Curled up in bed, I couldn’t get the image of Alex out of my mind. Seeing him so still, helpless in the car, it gave me a scare. If something happened…I tried to stop myself from going there, but my brain kept forcing the issue.

  The night made something painfully aware to me, I had very strong feelings for Alex Stone, and I think they were teetering on the edge of love. We didn’t have a traditional relationship, and were barely dating again, but all the time we spent together in the past counted. I’d grown to count on his silent strength, and then as we reconnected all this time later, I think it advanced things quicker than a normal relationship. Could I truly be in love with the man that used to stand by my side as my bodyguard?

  I knew the answer to that question, even if I was avoiding the truth – because the thought of being in love with somebody scared the hell out of me. The last person I was in love with tore my heart out and spit on it. I’d have to trust this man to treat me better.

  You really don’t know what the future holds – you walk in blindly, confessing your feelings, hoping you’ll both cling to the love that you share. When it reality one of you often shits on the other, and the entire thing implodes on itself. Look at the divorce rate… my mind was spinning too fast to keep up, and I slowly spiraled down the slippery slope of what would happen if I admitted my true feelings.

  Chapter 7

  After Alex was released from the hospital, he came to see me. I didn’t know whether to tell him what I thought, but before I had time, he confessed he had something to tell me. Would he say the words I’d been thinking – that maybe this was love after all. That as he stood by my side, watching over me, he fell in love with me, only to finally be able to share those feelings today now that I’m single?

  I braced myself, not sure what I’d say in return. If I admit my feelings, there’s no going back.

  Only he didn’t tell me he loved me. Instead, he told me he’d done a lot of soul searching after his accident, realizing his life could have ended. The couple that hit him was speeding, and the damage was so much more than it should have been, and as his car careened over, his life flashed before his eyes. He realized there was something he had to do, and as he started to say the words, everything changed.

  I waited, thinking he was about to say those three little words, but what came out instead floored me.

  “I’m going on a safari, and want to travel. I want to go to Alaska and Africa, and I want to see the pyramids, and I want to scuba dive near the Coral Reef in Australia. I’m not ready to settle into a life of simplicity – not yet. I haven’t traveled in ages, and I think it’s time.”

  I didn’t know what to say. Certainly he would do those things a little bit at a time, right, and stay here in the meantime. I waited for him to fill in the details.

  He paused, “You could go with me.”

  “I can’t, Alex,” but we both knew it was a polite invitation, not one from his heart. “I have school.”

  When the words came out that he was going to set a year aside and explore the world, I saw what I thought was a possible relationship slipping through my fingers. “What, an entire year? What about work, money, life doesn’t just stop. Wow, how exciting, that’s great.” I should have been encouraging him to chase his dreams, but in doing so it would take him out of my life. I knew that in a year’s time everything would change. It took every ounce of focus to support his dream, realizing it would take him away.

  “I know, right? I’m really excited. The more I think about it, the more I realize the time is now, and there’s no reason for me to put this off. I’ve got plenty of money stashed away, investments, the means to make it a reality. I can settle back into life when I get back.”

  I nodded, my thoughts frozen, my mouth unable to work anymore. I was about to tell him I loved him, and he was about to leave. I had nothing else to say. I finally squeaked out the words, “You’re leaving?”

  “I guess I am,” he saw the look on my face. “Oh Elle, I’m sorry. I figured you weren’t really ready for this relationship anyway. I feel like I forced it on you, showing up again,” he stammered.

  “Right, you’re right,” I faked. “I need to focus on school. Law school is taking more of my time than I expected. The studying is intense,” I said, trying to give him the out he desperately needed. “When will you leave?”

  “The sooner the better,” he said.

  We sat looking at one another, watching what might have been crumble before us. Before it truly got started, it stopped again. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.

  I politely sat with him and held back the tears that wanted to sneak out, pasting a smile on my face as he told me where he wanted to travel, and what he wanted to do. As the conversation wore down, I walked him out to the rental car waiting in my driveway, and with a simple sweet kiss, he said good-bye. We parted ways in that moment, and I knew he wouldn’t be back. In a year’s time, our feelings will have changed, and we’ll have grown apart. This was truly good-bye.

  I watched him pull out of my drive, and turned to go inside. The last twenty-four hours had been one heck of a ride. First worrying about him, and then realizing I loved him, and now losing him – it was all too much. I was grateful for school and distraction, because the feelings that were starting to flood my brain were overwhelming me.

  I sat on the edge of the sofa, staring ahead. I steeled myself, not wanting to release the tears. I’m stronger than this. It wasn’t meant to happen, we have different goals. It’s good for him to have this adventure, and school will keep me busy. It’s probably better this way – I wasn’t ready to invest in a real relationship.

  As a single hot tear rolled down my cheek, I stood and smoothed my shirt. Walking to my desk, I felt the stiffness in my shoulders. Sitting down, I opened my book and started to read. After reading the same damn sentence eight or nine times, I dropped my head down and let it out. The raw grip of emotions washed through me, and as I cried over losing Alex before I truly had him, I found what little closure I could.

  **

  I got the first post card two weeks later. It came with a picture of the city he’d chosen for his start. He’d sent emails on occasion, but they were few and far between. The longer he was away, the less connection we’d have. We both knew that, but I think he was trying to be cordial early on.

  He’d planned to travel for eight months at the very least, so when he showed up at my doorstep twelve weeks later, I was confused.

  Opening the door, I didn’t expect to see him there. “Alex?” It was a nice surprise, but seeing his face took me back to wanting to be in his arms. I didn’t know how to react. “Please, come inside,” I said holding the door.

  “I’m sorry to show up unannounced,” he paused and looked at me. “When I got to Italy, I felt empty. Without someone to share it with,” he stopped. “Elle, I don’t want to do this without you.”

  “Alex?” I wasn’t sure what to say. Did he want me to jump back into his arms? I was grateful he thought of me, but just as I was about to confess my love for him, he walked away. It was a painful experience, and I wasn’t ready to visit it again.

  “Elle, I came home because of you,” he started. “I need you in my life,” he said, his gaze locked on my own.

  “Alex, I’m not sure what to say,” I admitted. “I thought we were over. You left,” I said, feeling the tension in the air. “I’m not sure what you want from me? We keep doing things halfway, and we never really get there.”

  He nodded, “I know, I know,” he was pacing now. “The thing is, I couldn’t figure out what was missing. I was sitting at this little café, at a table outside. I saw this couple, and this woman made me think of you, and that’s when it struck me. I’m in love with a woman I walked away from,” he kept
talking. I don’t even know if he realized he’d just said “in love” out loud.

  My jaw dropped, my heart raced hearing the words, but I let him continue.

  “The thing is, seeing her, thinking of you; I knew I needed to come home. You’re what makes me happy, being around you. Would you consider doing this thing once again?”

  “I don’t know,” I said, afraid to truly give in. If I did, I knew I’d fall fast, I knew how I felt. And yet, just as I was about to tell him last time, he walked away. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go through those feelings again. When it came down to it, Alex was who I wanted in my life, but not the way we’ve been doing things. I wanted to build a real relationship and these stops and starts we seemed to be having weren’t working for me.

  He dropped his head, looking to the ground.

  “Alex, I’m afraid of getting hurt. I don’t think I can go through that again, not so soon.”

  “I understand,” he said, and apologized for stopping by unannounced.

  As he reached the door, I had to stop him, “Alex, wait,” I couldn’t stand the thought of him walking away. “I love you,” I whispered, “please don’t go.”

  Chapter 8

  When he turned around, he saw it in my eyes. “Are you sure?”

  I nodded silently, and as he wrapped his arms around me, our lips came together in a long, passionate kiss. I needed him, wanted him, and I wasn’t about to let him walk away again.

  Standing in the foyer, holding on for dear life, I shed my inhibitions and invited him to bed with me. I’d longed for Alex for longer than I can say, and in this moment I intended to make him mine.

  No words were spoken, and as he took my hand, together we walked down the hallway. I turned to look at my new lover, and as he pulled me into his arms, we shared a knowing kiss. We’d been doing and saying things we couldn’t take back. Alex pulled back and looked at me, his hand coming up to my face. Tracing my lips, he gazed into my eyes and whispered that he loved me. I melted at his touch, and suckled the tip of one of his fingers that teased my lips.