More Than I Wanted Read online

  I nodded and accepted his explanation. I was certain he didn’t want his life back with his ex-wife, no matter what my mind wanted to tell me. She obviously elicits strong feelings in him, but I was relieved they weren’t emotions of desire.

  Chapter 11

  “Hey, over here,” Scott’s hand went up, flagging us down.

  Within moments of sitting, Heather looked like she was going to burst. “I’ve been dying to tell you this all day, but wanted to wait until we got here where it’s quieter.”

  “What’s up?” I asked, curious to hear what had her so excited.

  “Well, Scott and I have some news,” she paused for barely a moment, “We’re having a baby!” The joy on her face gave away her excitement. Scott looked so proud, grinning ear to ear. “We didn’t want to say anything until we were sure everything was okay.”

  “What? A baby, oh my gosh, that’s awesome!” I squealed with Heather, and then she filled us in on the details.

  She wanted to make sure they didn’t have any problems before they shared the news, since they’d had a previous experience of losing a pregnancy early on. With everything going well, and her first trimester going smoothly, she was finally ready to spill the beans. She was all ready three months along.

  We went into all of the details of her pregnancy, discussing things like did they think it was a boy or girl, were there any favorite names picked out, nursery ideas, and would she bottle or breastfeed, along with every other topic we could think of. We talked non-stop. Scott and Austin looked amused as we jumped from one topic to another, covering every bit of information we could think of.

  I was happy for them; they’re such a strong couple and love each other so much. It was a cause to celebrate for sure. I just wished I wasn’t still stinging from my earlier fight with Austin. We enjoyed a couple of drinks while Heather stuck to juice, and we bathed in the idea of a new addition to their family. I knew Heather would be a great mom; she had a nurturing way about her.

  She couldn’t stop smiling. “I was dying to say something earlier, but I had to wait,” she said again. “And the bowling alley was a little loud, but I figured I could finally tell you here.” She was apologetic she couldn’t tell me sooner, but I told her that was silly and not to even worry about it.

  “I wanted to tell you, but Scott made me promise we’d wait until we got through the first trimester. You have no idea how many times I almost spilled the beans!”

  Scott was beaming, proud as anything. His arm gently draped over Heather. “She’s going to be such a good mother,” he said leaning over and kissing Heather’s cheek. His face spoke of absolutely joy at the prospect of being a father.

  I wondered if that would be me and Austin one day, or would trust issues pull us apart before we even got started. Would we see a future, or would he just be some guy I dated one time. I didn’t even know if he wanted a large family or small one. I mean, I assumed if we got married one day we’d have children. It just never seemed to be the topic of conversation, since we hadn’t gotten to “that point” in our relationship yet.

  After a leisurely lunch we parted ways. Scott and Heather went off to do a little shopping, and Austin and I were heading back to my place. I hoped it was for a loving afternoon, and not for more fighting. I hated that we went at it earlier. It left me feeling weird and uncomfortable. It was our first squabble, and while it didn’t drag on and on, it still left me uneasy. I didn’t know if he was past it yet or not.

  Getting in the car, I gently placed my hand on his arm, “Hey, are you okay?” I offered an olive branch, wanting to smooth over our earlier argument. As much as I hated what happened, I hated having this tension between us even more.

  “Yeah, I’m sorry I exploded earlier. I overreacted. Listen, I’m going to have trust issues. I apologize whole heartedly for that, but it’s who I am.” He warned me of his trust issues early in our relationship, and I understood where they came from. It was just one of those things that I didn’t think would ever be an issue for us – until it was.

  “And I’m really insecure, so if you can deal with that, I’ll tackle your trust issues. Is it a deal?” Dear goodness, do I have a lot of insecurities. If he knew how deep they ran, he’d probably run screaming in the other direction just to get away.

  He smiled softly, “Deal.”

  I leaned over and accepted the peck he was offering. It was still a quiet drive home, but at least I felt like our argument was officially over. The tension melted, but things weren’t back to normal yet. The atmosphere had changed between us that day. It was our first official fight and it felt bigger than it probably was.

  Getting out of the car, I took a deep breath. I guess it was now or never, knowing if the tension had truly passed. Unlocking the door, he didn’t linger as close as he usually does, and it concerned me. I felt like there was unresolved conflict, though it wasn’t spoken. We might have made our peace, but it was still in the air. I knew it would just take time, but patience wasn’t my strong suit.

  “Can we talk for a little while?” I said grabbing a couple of drinks out of the fridge for us.

  “Sure,” he obviously wasn’t rushing to get to the bedroom. But was it fair to expect him to? Truthfully, I wasn’t feeling amorous either, but knowing he didn’t want me in that moment still hurt. I hated the awkwardness between us.

  “I’m not sure how this will all work out. I mean, we’ve gotten to the point where we care a great deal about each other, have admitted to feeling love, and yet there are a few things we’ve never talked about. We seem to skirt around issues that might leave us uneasy. Maybe we should look at and maybe even tackle a few of them. Honestly, I’m still concerned about you going away, and how that might change us as a couple. How can it not?”

  He stood, his hands in his pockets, looking like a little boy. “I hate stuff like this.”

  “I do too, but I figure we might as well deal with it now, since there’s tension in the air.”

  Nodding, he sat. “Fine, I guess now is as good as any other time.”

  “Austin, the thing is - I do love you. I think I’m scared you’ll be gone an entire year. That’s a long time. How do we know we’ll be strong enough to go that length of time without faltering? What if we fall out of love, not seeing each other? How will we communicate? Will we even be able to? This is a new relationship, and we’re still in the honeymoon phase where everything is all peachy, and yet we’re promising to span an entire year together – in separate places. I’m not saying I don’t want to, but it sort of scares me.”

  “I don’t want to do this if you won’t be faithful. I can’t handle going through that again. If you think you’ll want to date, see other people, than you need to tell me. Not once I’m over there and depending on you to be at home waiting on me – but before I go. Don’t put me through that. If on the other hand we weather this and get through it together, we’ll know we can handle anything.”

  “I’m afraid of being lonely,” I admitted, “or you falling out of love with me. Like, here I am waiting all this time, and then you come home and don’t even want me. So it would be like I wasted all this time for nothing.”

  “I’m loyal, down to the core. If I’m with you, I’m with you. And it’s not like I’ll be out picking up women in the sandbox over there. Trust me; it’s hardly fun and games. We’re out on assignment, patrolling villages, hoping to get a shower time to time, and hoping we don’t get shot at. Other women are the last thing on my mind, trust me.”

  “I’m afraid of losing you, losing this relationship, and yet a year is a long time,” I sighed. The word year seemed so innocent, but in reality it meant 365 days – and that sounded a heck of a lot longer than simply a year. And yet they were the same. It was weird how something could feel okay one moment, and then completely daunting the next. Unfortunately, I had the bad habit of over analyzing everything to death.

  “It’s a long time for me too,” he said, “and I understand your concerns, but I�
��m hoping you’ll think I’m worth it in the end.”

  “You’re worth it,” I whispered. “You’re so worth it,” I leaned across and climbed onto his lap, wrapping my hands behind his neck, interlocking my fingers. I placed a tender kiss on his lips, and decided at that moment, I was in – regardless of what happened. Austin was my future, I was sure of it – I think. I hoped.

  Words were spoken, but I think a lot more weren’t. We both sat licking our wounds from earlier, wondering if our future was carved out for us, or if we’d fall apart sooner than later.

  I want to say we rushed off and had incredible make up sex, but the truth is we didn’t. The lust wasn’t there, what was left was simply an over abundance of emotion, wondering what the future held for us. I wondered if he would hold a grudge. My gut told me he would, but who knew really? I just feared things would take awhile getting back to normal.

  Later that night, I was on the phone with Heather. We got the baby talk about of the way first, and then entered into new territory.

  “Why do you think you’re so insecure? You have nothing to worry about, Austin is crazy about you,” she assured, “at least according to Scott.”

  “Yeah, he talks about me with Scott?” I sighed, “I don’t know. It’s just something I’ve always dealt with, and then seeing Emily at the bowling alley set me off. I’ve been a mess inside. It’s not like he wants to get back with her, but his past was right in front of me.”

  “His past, Kate, and you’re the future,” she pacified.

  “I know, I know, I hate how I do this. Sometimes I just think he’s too good for me. I mean, he’s a great guy, sweet, funny, and so damn good looking. I don’t deserve that. At some point, he’s going to realize how plain I am and look for something better. Trust me, I wish I didn’t feel this way, but after all of that, we didn’t have some wonderful make up sex, we sat and watched television and then he went home. There wasn’t some grand sweep me off my feet kiss, don’t worry baby, you’re the only one for me gesture. It was simply - see you later.”

  “Of course you deserve him. You’re a great girl. I wish you didn’t talk like this. You’re so pretty, you have a great heart, and you’re fun to hang around. The two of you are good for each other. Besides, it was your first disagreement about sensitive topics. Give it time, it will all work out,” she soothed. “And give yourself a little more credit, you’re a great catch.”

  “Thanks, you think? I hope it all works out. I hate how we left things. I mean, we made up and everything, but it just felt, I don’t know, off. And to be honest, I didn’t feel pretty after I saw her,” my voice got quiet.

  “That’s ridiculous. You’re gorgeous, why would you even think that?”

  “She’s prettier,” I sighed. “I hate that his ex-wife is gorgeous. I mean, couldn’t she be raggedy or something? I always think if he sees her again, his old feelings will come back.”

  “That’s ridiculous, he hates her. She cheated on him and broke his heart. And so what, she’s pretty. She’s also a complete bitch. Who and what she is, well, that doesn’t even matter. The fact is Austin can’t stand the woman. She is not your competition, so stop making it into one in your head. Honey, you’re all that he wants, you need to remember that. He’s there by your side, and wants you to wait for him. Doesn’t that say something?”

  “I guess,” my voice was low, barely audible.

  “It has to be enough,” Heather said, “because if this is always hanging over you, you’ll never relax. You’ve got to trust that he’s there because he wants to be.”

  I wish I could just let it go, I didn’t know how. It’s just that it’s always been there, this feeling like I wasn’t good enough, or as good as others. Maybe it’s some silly ugly duckling thing. It’s not like I had guys beating down my door asking for dates in high school. I was just some awkward, shy girl that blended into the walls. I never really stood out, and nobody told me I was special.

  Even in college, sure I had a boyfriend or two, but I was more of an introvert. I guess I put up walls before people could get too close. I finally grew into myself and become a little more confident, but then a dust storm kicks up, and I feel like I’m back to square one.

  I cleared my throat, “Sometimes I don’t want to try. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but it’s an entire year, and that feels like forever. I mean, if he was local I wouldn’t be questioning this. My reality is that I won’t even get to see him, kiss him, or anything. And I won’t get to talk to him that much,” I whined. “Seriously, I just don’t know if I’m ready to tackle this. We’ve only been together for a short time.”

  “It’s still a couple months away, there’s more time to bond, and your relationship will grow.”

  “Or I’ll just end up hurting more. I’m so torn. If I walk away now, I can save myself pain later, but end up losing out on a great guy. If I stay, it’s going to tear me to pieces when he leaves.”

  “Are you really considering breaking up with him, just to get out of hurting and missing him? You’d walk away from a relationship that you adore?” She was genuinely surprised. I’d never given any indication that it was still a possibility on my plate.

  “I don’t know. I don’t think so, but I honestly have to weigh all my options.”

  “I just didn’t expect this from you of all people,” she said.

  “Why do you say it like that?”

  “I don’t know. It’s not like he’s going off to party, he’s going to be under incredible stress, and I guess it bothers me that you’d walk away over a tiny heartache. His life will be in danger, and having someone at home will help him through.” Her tone changed, “I guess you just don’t get that, like military wives do.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean? Of course I care about him, but I need to decide if that’s the life I want to take on. The constant worry, the loneliness, it’s not fair judging me like that. You might be used to it, but I’m not. This is all new to me.”

  She took a deep breath, “I guess. I don’t know what to tell you Kate. I guess I expected you to be different.”

  I was silent and felt offended. I suddenly felt judged, and yet it was my life. I had to decide what was right for me, not for anyone else, just for me. And a year felt like a damn long time. Was I being selfish? I didn’t think so, I needed to come to a decision about my life, and nobody could do that but me.

  I worded my response carefully. “I haven’t made any decisions. I’m just saying it’s been weighing heavy on me. Just as I fall in love with somebody, he’s going to leave. That’s a lot to handle in my world. I’m sorry I don’t have military life experience, but it doesn’t mean I don’t care.”

  It felt tense. “I’m sorry. I probably came off stronger than I should have. I do understand, trust me, I do. I guess my heart just goes out for Austin, too. Take your time and make the decision that’s right for you.”

  When we said our good-byes, I climbed into bed. My crappy day had just gotten crappier. First I had a fight with my boyfriend, and then I had another with my best friend. The day officially sucked.

  Rolling over, I picked up a book from my nightstand. It was a paperback thriller I’d grabbed at the grocery store, but no matter how I tried to get into it, I couldn’t. It wasn’t happening, and my frustration grew. I put it back on my nightstand, giving up on my attempt at reading. My thoughts were clouded with thoughts of Austin, our fight, his going away, and Heather’s reaction to it all. Throwing the covers over my head, I groaned deeply. “This sucks.”

  I climbed back out of bed and headed to the kitchen. Sure, make cookies late at night, exactly what I need. I pulled out a roll of slice and bake cookies and grabbed a cookie sheet out from the cabinet.

  Slamming the pan down on the stove, I pulled a knife out of the drawer. I sliced the cookies with pent up aggression, and slapped them onto the pan. Cleaning off the knife, I turned on the oven and slid the cookies inside. Setting the timer, I frowned. This doesn’t exactly solve anything now
, does it? Besides, who were the cookies for anyway, me or him. Oh, I’d certainly be eating one or two, but crap, here I was trying to make things better. I realized I wanted it to be better, I wanted to be with Austin, stay with Austin, and I was so damn scared of losing him – whether to another girl, his ex, or even to the war.

  I hadn’t even started looking at my fear of losing him “that way”. There was real danger over there, and reports came back about the loss of troops regularly. What the hell would I do? How could I handle losing someone I loved? Maybe it was easier not to get involved at all, why risk that kind of pain? It was too much to think about, the reality of it all. How did families do this? It felt so much bigger than me, and with every new thought I was overwhelmed.

  I sat down, placing my head in my hands. The tears were hot and silent, rolling down my cheeks. I didn’t want to lose him, not that way. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to go through that. I didn’t want to, didn’t want to worry for 365 days. I didn’t want to have knots in my stomach worrying about him if he didn’t call or write. I didn’t want to wonder if he was safe.

  I wouldn’t be able to hold him, touch him, kiss him, or make love to him. Austin wouldn’t be here. He’d simply be a ghost, a memory, and I’d have to live like that for an entire year hoping he’d come home to me. I felt like a coward, but it was my truth. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to do this for an entire year.

  I had to make a decision before I lost my courage. I went and pulled my cell phone out of my purse. “Need to talk, can you come over.” I texted the message before it was too late and changed my mind.