All That I Need (Secret Desires) Read online

  I paid for the pregnancy test, and shoved it into my purse. I’d have to take it in the morning, and let my mind play with possibilities. The truth would be staring me in the face soon enough. I had no idea what I’d tell Austin, and decided I’d let the test decide for me. If I’m not pregnant, there’s no reason to even mention it, and if I am – well, I’ll figure it out later.

  I should have called Heather and talked to her about it, but since she wasn’t at work anymore, I didn’t share every tiny detail of my life with her. I was happy for her, I knew she wanted to stay home with AJ, and was living her dream as a full-time mother. A surprise promotion for Scott allowed Heather to go from her new part-time position, to pulling up her roots and staying home full time to raise their child. I missed seeing her daily, but was happy for her.

  If I called my mother, she’d make me worry more, since she’s convinced having a child is a mistake with everything that’s going on. I felt trapped and alone, not knowing who to talk to about my situation. I wanted to talk to Austin, but that option left me with an upset stomach. I’d have to figure it out by myself, at least for now.

  I must have woken up fifteen times through the night. I was anxious to take the test in the morning, and wanted to be stealth in my movements. I finally crawled out of bed a little bit after five. Austin was asleep, and none the wiser.

  Digging through my purse, I pulled the pregnancy test out, and headed for the bathroom as quietly as I could creep.

  Taking a deep breath, I pulled the little wand out of the box and removed it from the sealed packaging it came in. Staring at the stick, I double checked the directions, even though I knew what to do. It’s pretty standard, but it was the moment of truth.

  Scanning the directions, I exhaled, noting a positive symbol meant you were pregnant. I leaned over and locked the door, and got down to business. I awkwardly stuck the little wand beneath me, and waited. My nerves had my body tensed up, and I had to relax before I could finally go.

  I placed it on the counter, staring at the test. It was now or never. I watched as the symbol started to appear. After a couple of minutes, I knew it wouldn’t change. There was no doubting the positive symbol that showed up. I was pregnant. Maybe it was a mistake. I should probably go to the doctor to double check, or I could buy another test while I’m out.

  I stared at the test, lifting it off the counter and focusing on the little symbol that told me my fate. I didn’t know how I felt. I wanted to be excited, run in and wake up Austin, and yet I wasn’t ready to tell him. Not yet. I was scared, uncertain what our future would hold, but I knew one thing for sure, I was pregnant.

  Maybe it was selfish, but I didn’t want him to take away my excitement with a less than stellar reaction. I’d sit with the news for a while, and tell him later. I wasn’t ready to share this, not yet. I was going to be a mother, and as that filled my mind, my hand instinctively went down to my belly. I’m going to be a mother.

  I palmed the pregnancy test and shoved it in a drawer before climbing back into bed. Austin was still sleeping, and crawling under the covers, I stared at the ceiling contemplating the news. I cupped my belly with my hands, knowing my body would grow and change as our baby grew. A baby – the word filled my mind…we’re having a baby. A small smile spread across my lips.

  I wished I could wake Austin in the excitement, and yet I didn’t know if this was good news or not in Austin’s eyes. I hated that part of the equation, and for that reason I decided to keep it to myself. For at least a little while, I’d revel in my new status – pregnant.

  I had no idea what we were going to do. With Austin quitting school, and no job in site, how would he help support us? My own job was limiting, and I guess I would get some maternity leave, but would it be enough? I hated how a barrage of questions started to plague me. I wanted to relish in the news, but instead I was faced with too many open ended questions.

  Finally falling back asleep, the alarm buzzed startling me out of my slumber. Looking over at Austin, I watched him hit the alarm and then roll over. “Time to get up,” he whispered to me.

  “Morning,” I said, giving him a small kiss and climbing out of bed.

  Austin turned over and pulled the blankets over his head to block the light, as I clicked on the lamp.

  “Any plans today?” I asked hopeful.

  “No,” he said.

  “Maybe look for a job?”

  “I’ll think about it,” he grunted.

  “I need to get a shower,” I answered, having been ripped out of my earlier blissful state. I can’t tell him, not yet. Neither of us is ready, and yet I couldn’t help but be a little excited about the baby news. I’ll tell him soon.

  Washing my body, I ran the bar of soap across me, wondering how long it would take before I showed. When would I be in maternity clothes, and when would I feel the little flutter of our baby moving inside of me? I couldn’t wait to grab a bunch of books and read about my upcoming experience. There was just one little hurdle to overcome – sharing the news with Austin.

  I’d have to do it sooner than later, because I’d be showing at some point, and if I was reading books about pregnancy, and wow, what if I got morning sickness? Thankfully, so far I hadn’t experienced any of that.

  Rinsing off, I turned off the water and reached for a towel. Drying my body, I looked over at Austin buried under the covers, sleeping once again. With a deep sigh, I finished toweling off. I have to tell him, it’s the right thing to do. Maybe it will be the push he needs to find a job, or maybe he could even get back into school if he talks to somebody. I wanted to feel hopeful, but instead all I felt was dread. Maybe I’ll do it after work – not now.

  Chapter Four

  I sat in my car gripping the steering wheel, knowing I had to tell my husband. I was sitting in front of the house, but I couldn’t bring myself to get out of the car. Hot tears ran down my cheeks. I felt like my moment of excitement was robbed from me. What should have been a beautiful moment, a joyous occasion, was anything but that. Instead I was hesitant to tell Austin, and nervous he’d react poorly.

  What then? How would I deal with that? I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand, and finally got out of the car. It was now or never. I didn’t like having a secret, and this was something incredible to share – still it felt scary.

  Letting myself in, I placed my purse on the small table by the door and went to find Austin.

  I found him in bed, right where I left him this morning. I felt disgust and held my tongue. I’d tell him later. “Did you even get out of bed today?”

  “Why does it matter? I didn’t have anything to do.”

  I sat on the edge of the bed, “You’re sliding again,” I said, biting my cheek, stopping myself from yelling. I was frustrated we were back to this, a lack of motivation and his moods dictating our future.

  “I’m fine,” he groaned from under the covers.

  “Austin, this isn’t healthy for either of us.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” he said, rolling away from me.

  “Would you please talk to somebody, anybody about it? You’re heading right back into desolate territory again, and I don’t know how to help you.”

  “I don’t need your help, and I don’t need you to fix me. I’m not broken, I’m simply distracted.”

  We both knew that was a lie.

  “Austin,” I held my tongue and walked away before saying anything else. Nagging wouldn’t do either of us any good.

  He was shutting down again. I have no idea why, and he wasn’t sharing. All I knew was that he dropped out of his schooling, we had bills to pay, and I didn’t know where his future would be. We had a baby coming, and my salary alone wouldn’t be enough to raise a family.

  I needed him to feel inspired, and want to get out there. The only thing he wanted to do was sit in his chair by the television or sleep. What happened to the man I loved?

  I sat on the secret of my pregnancy a little longer, uncertain ho
w to break the news without bursting into tears. I was worried I was alone in the marriage at this point, and didn’t know how to get him back. He was distant, not wanting to talk, shutting down, and wouldn’t take calls from friends.

  It wasn’t until his paranoia started to grow, that I knew I had to reach him. He’d stand at the window, looking through the slats of the blind, waiting for something to happen, anything.

  The words slipped out when I least expected it. He was pacing in front of the window, worried about a service truck that had pulled up. A line man was working on a pole, but Austin watched him closely, then paced, and went back to watching him.

  “You can’t do this,” I started. “You need to get out of the house, get a job, and get our lives back. I can’t do this, I have enough other stuff to worry about, but this….this…this paranoia has to stop.”

  He spun around to look at me, “Do you know who that is?” He was unfazed by my comments. He was glancing out the window again.

  “Austin, I’m pregnant. You’re going to be a father. That scares me at this point.”

  He stared at me. “What?”

  “I’m pregnant.” I didn’t know how else to phrase it, to break the news more gently. It wasn’t going to change, and I needed him to be present and accounted for. I took a deep breath, watching his reaction.

  Backing away from the window, he sat down in his chair and stared at the floor. I didn’t know what to do, and he didn’t know what to say. He looked at me, and then back at the floor. “I’m not ready for this.”

  “You don’t have a choice. We’re having a baby.”

  “How can you be sure?”

  Exhaling, I steadied myself. It took everything to watch my tone, as sarcasm wanted to leak out. How can I be sure? Come on, I’m freaking pregnant – don’t make me go through this alone, I pleaded in my head.

  “I took a test, and then went to the doctor,” I finally answered, when I was sure I could do it without over reacting

  “You took a test and didn’t tell me?”

  “How could I? You were barely getting out of bed, and lately you…you haven’t been yourself.”

  “A baby?” He looked at me, blinking, and then staring at the floor again.

  “A baby,” I answered flatly. I wanted this to be joyful, not painful.

  He didn’t get up, and he didn’t hug me, he simply sat. Looking up at me, I didn’t see joy in his eyes, simply fear. I walked away so I wouldn’t cry. Standing in the kitchen, I leaned against the counter, letting my fingers grip the edge. The tears started, but at least he couldn’t see them.

  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It’s going to be okay, I soothed, it’s going to be okay. I felt his presence in the kitchen, but I didn’t want to turn around – not yet.

  Walking closer, he wrapped his arms around me from behind. I missed this, missed him comforting me, feeling like a couple. “You’re going to be a great mother.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered. “Can you please get some help,” I knew I was pushing him. “You have a child coming.”

  I turned to face him, almost afraid to look in his eyes.

  He nodded quietly. “I’ll try, but you need to give me time to adjust to the idea.”

  For the first time in a long time, I felt relief wash over me. There was still time, time for him to work on healing, time for him to accept the news, but through it all, I never saw his excitement. His eyes were dull, there was no joy.

  Time was passing, and while he still hadn’t talked to anyone, he did make an effort to find work. He decided to give school another go, only this time he chose a shorter course, and decided he’d be a locksmith. He could take classes and then apprentice for a bit if needed. It was a different career choice than he originally had planned, but for once he was excited about a new start, so I stood behind him – only he kept putting it off, never actually starting the process.

  My body was changing, adapting to its current state, and as my hips and breasts swelled, my belly took on a new shape. I was bursting through my regular clothing, and desperate to get some maternity pants with an elastic band. I’m surprised I made it this far!

  Now that Austin knew, I finally felt free to share the news with Heather. I’ll be honest, I have no idea how he didn’t notice my body changing, but he was in his own world lately.

  I hated that I hadn’t shared the news with Heather yet, but I simply avoided her in person until I could say something. She’d certainly notice the changes in my body, so I kept finding reasons to call instead of seeing her in person.

  Telling her was a relief, because I finally unloaded my mixed feelings. I told her everything, not only that I was pregnant, but that I was worried how Austin would handle it. She had no idea so much had changed, and suggested I talk to Scott about what was going on.

  I was torn, not wanting Austin to feel betrayed, but I knew that Austin desperately needed help. Maybe hearing it from Scott, he’d listen. I made Heather promise she wouldn’t say anything until I had more time to think about it. She hesitated, but finally said she’d keep quiet.

  When I finally went to Scott for help, it tore me up inside. I didn’t know if Austin would forgive me for outing him this way, and telling somebody how much his mental state had changed, or if he’d understand I was worried about him. I was about to find out.

  I arranged for Scott to come here, since I knew Austin wouldn’t go there. He’d shut out most people, and had little interest in talking. When Scott showed up, I answered the door and went out for a while, leaving them to talk. I was almost afraid to come home after enough time. Austin would know I opened my mouth and told his friend what he’s been going through.

  Walking through the door, I was met with a glare. “Why would you do that to me? I felt like an asshole.”

  “Austin, please. I’m worried about you. I don’t know what else to do, or who to turn to.”

  “I said I would talk to someone, why wasn’t that enough? Now I look like less of a man to a good friend. Do you know how that felt? That he thinks I can’t handle things?”

  “I didn’t think of it that way. He’s your friend…” I trailed off.

  “Men don’t talk like women do, not about personal crap. Not only did you embarrass me, but you went behind my back.”

  “Austin,” I started, but knew it would be pointless. He didn’t want to hear what I had to say. I took a deep breath and said it anyway. “You have a child coming. You need to get your shit together. I love you, but you’re about to be a father, and you’re not ready.”

  “I need to get my shit together?” He smirked, but was angry, “You’re a peach. I’ve got all this crap in my brain, as I sit here trying to sanitize my mind from all the garbage I’ve seen and gone through, but I should just “get my shit together”. If I could, I would.” He ended yelling.

  “No you won’t, because you’re afraid you won’t feel like a man,” I yelled back. “Get some help, you need it. Stop trying to fix it yourself.”

  “Do you know what it’s like to be trained to take another person’s life, and then when they’re before you surrendering, you do it anyway, because it’s kill or be killed? Do you?” His face was red, and his tone went louder.

  “You’re scaring me, baby. I just don’t recognize you anymore,” I said, lowering my voice. “You weren’t like this before, and it’s like somebody flipped a switch.”

  He looked at me and said nothing.

  “Baby,” I whispered. “I love you, and I’m not going anywhere, but I need you to get help. You’re going to be a father, and I need my husband back.”

  Austin put his head in his hands and sobbed openly. I didn’t know what to do, so I did the only thing I knew how…I knelt before him, and wrapped my arms around him. “It’s going to be okay,” I soothed.

  “Is it?” He asked between sobs.

  “It is.”

  When he finally called for an appointment to speak with someone, I felt weight fall off my shoulders. He n
eeded this, we needed this, and I hoped it would make a difference in our lives. I knew it wouldn’t come easy, and things wouldn’t change overnight, but the demons that were living inside of Austin needed a way out.

  He was torturing himself with self-loathing, and it had all caught up with him. I wish I could say that are marriage was all smooth sailing, but it was way bumpier than I ever imagined. This seemed to come out of nowhere, and threw me for a loop.

  I stuck with him through it all, and knew I didn’t want to end things. I just wanted him to heal. I loved him so much, and with a child on the way, getting help was the healthy thing to do. How could he care for his child if he couldn’t care for himself?

  One of our giant hurdles was being tackled, but we had another issue that was making itself known – money. We’d have to face it eventually, but right now I took it as a small victory that Austin agreed to talk to somebody.

  Between his irritability, paranoia, and his withdrawing more and more, the depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was becoming all consuming. I knew that if he could find a way to release some of it, talk to somebody, he might start to heal. Hopefully he’d get some relief. I knew it would take a while, but it was a good first step.

  It was like he was torn between guilt and frustration. You could almost see him struggling, but so much of it played out in his mind. With counseling, he’d learn ways to cope, and I knew there was medication that could help too. I’d been doing so much research lately, my head was spinning. Now that he’d finally agreed to seek treatment, I felt like we might finally move forward. We’d been in a stagnant pattern, and it was suffocating our relationship.

  We hadn’t been intimate lately, and I tried not to take it personal, because I saw him struggling. It was hard though, and I often found myself wondering if it was me. I finally called my mom and cried on her shoulder. I needed to get it out, I’d been holding in so much.