More Than I Wanted Page 5

  He had no inclination to try to get out of it, and knew he’d do his duty. He wasn’t a coward or a quitter, but he wasn’t ready to go back – not so soon. Some guys volunteered and kept going over, but Austin was ready to get out of the military. He didn’t have a choice in the matter, and finally had to make peace with it.

  I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to comfort him, but reeled knowing just as I’d fallen in love with the man, he’d be taken away from me for a year. He’d have three months of prep time, and then another nine months abroad. I was stunned, and had to decide where this left us as a new couple.

  That gave me with just over six months with Austin, and then I wouldn’t see him for a year. The weight I felt in my heart was like lead. My stomach was sick, and I didn’t know what to do. We were a new couple, and I wasn’t even sure where he stood in this relationship. Would we continue to stay together, or split up and hope when he returned we’d find our way back together?

  How much commitment would it require, and was I shooting myself in the foot not being able to date others for an entire year, only hoping he’d come home and still want me. I was confused, scared, and desperately wanted to wake up from this bad dream.

  I finally found a wonderful guy, fell in love, and now this. It wasn’t fair. I tried to be strong when I talked to him, but I was falling apart, little pieces of my heart dropping to the floor, uncertain what to do.

  It’s not like we’d been a couple for a year or two, we’d only been dating for a few months. My head was spinning, and the more I thought about it, the more confused I got. Half of the time I thought it was smarter to part ways, and not put myself through the pain of losing him, and the other part of me knew I’d always feel like half of a person without Austin in my life.

  I knew I had to hash it out with Heather, as much as I had to discuss it with Austin. She’d been through it with Scott and could help me sort through my feelings. She knew me as well as anyone, and I could be honest over my selfish thoughts, as well as my loving ones.

  “This is more than I need, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I finally get attached, and I’m going to lose him. I mean, do I stay with him for another six months and let go, or do I hold on…” I was talking too fast, as my thoughts jumbled in my head. I paced, holding my cell phone as I walked, keeping Heather on speaker.

  “If I let go, I lose Austin. I’m not ready to lose Austin. I love him. Oh my gosh, did I just say that out loud, so yeah, okay, there’s that. I love him. There I said it. And yet, if he’s gone for a year, I’ll be alone, lonely, no boyfriend, and wondering if he’ll even want to get back together when he gets home.”

  “Take a breath,” Heather said, listening. “And no surprise, I knew you loved him. You can’t stop talking about him, and if I even say his name, you break out into this massive smile. No secret there, champ.”

  “Yeah,” I sighed. “He makes me feel,” I stopped myself. “He hasn’t told me yet. This could all be a mute point; he’s never once told me he loves me. Maybe he’s planning on breaking up with me before he goes.”

  Heather calmed me down and helped me through it. She knew the panic, the sensations, and this being a newer relationship, she told me about the trade off I’d have to make, dating a soldier. Was our relationship even strong enough, and should we strengthen it or let go?

  Austin and I spoke at length about the topic. We could stop seeing each other now, and try to pick up again when we get home, or we could hold out. He said some guys liked to go unattached, while others knew having someone at home gave them something to hold onto. Each guy had his own thoughts on the matter. He had not a clue what he wanted, but knew what he needed. He said he needed me. I told him I wouldn’t let go.

  He finally admitted his feelings in bed one evening. Our kisses were tender, and slowly grew more heated and heavy. “I’m going to miss you so much, and I haven’t even left yet. I love you, Kate,” he whispered.

  My eyes shot open. He’d never said those words before. Did he just say what I thought he did? “You love me?” I asked quietly.

  He nodded, “I’ve known for a little while, but was almost afraid to say it.” His hands raked through my hair.

  “I love you too,” I said, feeling weepy, though no tears fell. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t want to lose you, and yet I don’t want to hold you back.” I clung to his body, holding him tightly.

  “Baby, you won’t lose me,” his mouth was wet and warm, and his lips were sweet. “Just don’t let go.”

  I closed my eyes, holding my soldier, knowing he’d be leaving in a few months. I wanted to spend whatever precious time I could with him before he went, and yet knew I’d have to deal with loneliness when he left. It was bittersweet, fall deeper in love, and then he’ll be pried from my hands – for close to a year. Could I go a full year? Life would continue on, but my boyfriend would be overseas fighting a war, and I’d worry about him every single day.

  Side by side, our gaze met, and the softness, the genuine warmth was beautiful. I fully knew in that moment this was love. He said it, he meant it, and I knew how I felt. Together we would weather the storm.

  Music was playing softly in the background, a mellow playlist I usually put on before I go to bed. It was the perfect back drop to what was about to happen. Sensual and smooth, the music accompanied our lovemaking. I opted for a smooth jazz for atmosphere, instead of my usual upbeat stuff I use for running.

  “I just want to look at you for a minute,” he said, eyeing me up and down. “You’re such a beautiful woman.”

  I blushed, hearing his words so openly. Austin was everything I wanted in a man, sexy, smart, handsome, and fun. His body was amazing, and every time we were in bed together, I loved to stroke him and let my fingers draw across his skin, playing in the lines of his abs, along his broad chest, or down his muscled biceps – tracing the lines of ink on his tattoos.

  Watching him look at me so intensely, I grew shy and embarrassed, but saw the hunger in his eyes. I knew how to quench that desire, and moved in closer, pulling him to me.

  His words were soft, but I held onto each and every one, knowing I’d play it back later. “I love you, Kate.” I melted into a puddle of butter at that very instant.

  I interlocked my fingers with his, holding Austin’s hand. I wanted to do something special for him, and leaned in close, whispering my intent. A smile spread across his face, and as I slid down between his legs, I let my fingertips drag along his body. His erect cock stood proud and firm.

  Slowly I traced the side of his manhood, my finger stopping to play with the head of his penis. I loved how it moved, dancing to my touch, a flinch this way and that. Closing my hand around his member, I held him as I lowered my mouth. Listening to his moans, I continued to tempt his senses, hoping he enjoyed the moment. My fingers delicately played with his naughty bits below, and as his groans and breathing changed, I knew he was getting close to release.

  With the heated passion having reached its peak, Austin’s heart raced. I climbed beside him and placed my head on his chest, listening to it beat quickly.

  “Wow,” he said, wrapping his arm around my body, pulling me closer.

  Austin ran his fingers through my hair, reaching across. “Come here, you,” he said lifting me up and onto his chest. Lying atop of him, our lips found one another automatically, and his soft sweet kisses filled my heart.

  I loved when his fingers played on my bottom, first tender, and then groping. He’d squeeze my cheeks and things would heat up all over again. His touch set me afire, making me feel alive. There was something special, no matter how simple or erotic his touch was I knew it was love.

  “Get up,” he whispered, “I want to…” he didn’t have to say anymore.

  Within moments I shifted off of him, getting up on my knees. I was ready for him to fill me completely. My insides felt empty and void, aching for him to penetrate me and quench my desire. Climbing in behind me, Austin’s hands foun
d my breasts as he pushed in from behind. I gasped as he entered me. Our bodies connected, his hands in front of me, my own reaching back trying to hold him as he thrust deeper inside.

  My head fell to the side as his hands massaged my breasts, and with each lunge, I cried out in pleasure feeling my lover take me to the edge. His hands slid from my breasts down along my stomach and moved down farther. With him inside, his fingers looking to heighten my excitement, I couldn’t hold back and was groaning, bucking back into him. I was so sensitive, and finally had to pull away, regaining my composure. His hands ran across my rounded bottom, and slowly he entered me again, finishing what he’d set out to do.

  Collapsing onto the bed together, we clung to one another, enjoying the high of the orgasm we’d experienced.

  I love him, I love him so much.

  Chapter 10

  Heather and I had been discussing a double date for awhile, but our schedules didn’t mesh, or we just kept putting it off. We finally set aside a weekend to make it work. We tossed around ideas, mentioning going to the movies or a wine tasting, but then finally settled on something none of us had done in a long time – bowling!

  We decided we’d spend an afternoon bowling, and then head to lunch at the local tavern. It would be nice to hang out together. We usually did our own thing, but we were all friends, so it seemed like a perfect opportunity for an afternoon of fun.

  I was excited to go out with everyone. Austin and I said we’d meet Heather and Scott at the bowling alley, and then we’d follow them to the pub. It was a gorgeous sunny day, and I couldn’t stop smiling. I was curious to hear what Heather thought of us as a couple, how we interacted together. Not that it mattered, but it was just another layer of fodder for us to dissect and enjoy discussing - girl talk and nothing more.

  Standing at the counter, we stood waiting to get our shoes, as we sorted out our sizes. Everybody made jokes about our fashionable bowling shoes with two tone colors, as each got sprayed out with Lysol before being handed over to us.

  After being directed to our lane, we were relieved there was automatic scoring, because none of us had been in a bowling alley in quite a long time. My scoring skills were almost non-existent. Let’s face it, my bowling skills weren’t any better than my scoring, and I was in trouble.

  Popping on my stiff shoes and lacing them up, I groaned while looking down at my feet. How can they not make more fashionable shoes after all these years? I wondered how old the shoes were and how many pairs of feet had been in them before mine. I shuddered and quickly thought of something more pleasant.

  Walking along the racks of bowling balls, we went through the process of dipping our fingers into them, trying to find a good fit and weight for each of us. Heather and I went off in our own direction as the boys went another.

  “So, how are you guys doing?” Heather asked, smiling.

  “As if you don’t know,” I laughed. “I talk to you almost daily.”

  “I know, but you were really stressed about his deployment orders, and I’ve been thinking about you a lot.”

  “He told me he loved me the other night,” I smiled.

  “He did!”

  “Yes, and he asked me not to let go,” I finished.

  “Aww, that’s so sweet. So the two of you are going to make a go of it?”

  “I think so,” I said. “I’m not exactly sure what to expect, but I can’t imagine being with anybody else. I adore him, Heather.”

  “I’m so happy for you,” she said. “Oh, I found a fit! This one should be good.” She picked up a black bowling ball with blue swirls through it. “It’s a ten pounder, more than this and I’d be in trouble!”

  We finally all made our way back to our lane and placed the balls in the ball holder. We had a great time watching everyone have a go at it. A few gutter balls later, a couple of lucky strikes and spares, and we were wrapping up. None of us were especially good at bowling, but Scott won the first match regardless, and then Heather took the rest. Somebody had to win.

  It was a fun afternoon, but what was relaxing and silly, soon turned awkward. As we were returning our shoes, Emily walked up to the counter with a friend. Talk about timing! She was oblivious at first, as our backs were turned facing the counter. They were behind us, and as we went to turn around, we almost bumped into them. The look, the silence, the stare…

  “Hey,” Austin said flatly.

  “Not going to introduce me to your new friend?” She asked, sarcasm dripping in her voice.

  “We’re on our way out, see you,” he said, taking my hand and walking past.

  “Whatever,” she snipped as we walked away.

  “Who was that?” I whispered, pretending like I didn’t know.

  “My past,” he simply said. Heather and Scott were decidedly quiet during this exchange.

  “Oh is that…” I stopped. I knew I was playing dumb, and was damn well familiar with who it was. I’d seen Emily’s picture before on the internet. My stomach rumbled with knots seeing her in person. It was stupid, but suddenly I was worried he’d remember how pretty she was, or miss her, or want her back, or a combination of other things. The end result in my mind was that he’d linger on seeing her today, and choose her over me. It was stupid, my own insecurities, but I couldn’t slow down the thought process.

  “Yeah,” was all he said, and then turned to Scott and Heather, “We’ll meet you at the tavern shortly, can you give us about fifteen minutes first?”

  “Sure, we’ll grab a pitcher to hold us over. We won’t order food until you get there.”

  “Thanks, we’ll see you shortly,” he said. His face was stone cold, and I was certain he was about to blow.

  He popped the locks on the car doors and we got in. “Who is that?” He turned to me, questioning my judgment. “You know damn well who that is.”

  “What are you talking about?” I bit my cheek, trying to dodge the bullet.

  “You know damn well who that was! I saw your computer’s history,” he said. “You were searching for information about me - snooping.”

  “You what… Why would you do that? That’s not right. First it’s my computer, secondly, that’s kind of creepy that you’re checking up on me.”

  “Oh really?” He said, pot calling the kettle black.

  “Fine, I checked up on you. We had just started dating and I was trying to scope stuff out. What’s the big deal?”

  “The big deal is you were just playing stupid back there. Who is that? Don’t play games with me.” His tone was harsh.

  I looked down at my shoes, “And you stay the hell out of my computer history. It’s not your business what I search.”

  “My wife cheated on me. I have a habit of checking up on people I’m in a relationship with. If you have nothing to hide, then we don’t have a problem.”

  It stung a little, hearing his tone. This entire thing caught me off guard. We’d never discussed his ex-wife before, and now we were fighting about her.

  “What about trusting someone? Why should I be criminalized because somebody else did something wrong, that’s not fair?” I said, annoyed we were even having this conversation.

  He shook his head, “Look, I’ve got trust issues okay. Just don’t play stupid with me.” His voice softened.

  I was torn in the moment. I felt violated that he’d searched my computer’s history. It was obvious when he did it. He often got up in the middle of the night, having trouble sleeping. And foolish me, I never emptied my searches. Why would I? I thought of my computer as mine, as private. I guess I didn’t realize he didn’t. I didn’t know what I felt in this moment. Betrayed for one, but embarrassed at being caught on the other hand.

  Our first fight, and there it was – a trust issue. We’d both done something questionable, and hadn’t revealed it to the other. It wasn’t tragic, but it felt horrible. The tension was thick, and I just wanted it to pass. I knew with enough time, we’d be okay, but it felt like today was a mess. I didn’t want to go put on a h
appy face and party with my friends, laughing over lunch like everything was fine, but that’s exactly what I would do.

  While it all spilled out, I wasn’t ready to reveal my strong insecurity to him. That was the last thing I needed to do, come off needy and pathetic. Yet, as usual I couldn’t stop myself from talking. Things just come out.

  “Do you still love her? Do you think she’s prettier than me? Why didn’t you tell me your ex was your ex-wife? It’s kind of a big piece of information.”

  He turned and looked at me like I had two heads. “Do I still love her? She fucked another guy while I was away at war. I fucking hate her; she destroyed my ability to trust.” He had nothing else to add.

  I sat silently as he drove. Staring out the window, I bit my tongue before saying anything else. This was slowly turning into something else in my mind, morphing into a moment of insecurity. The issue was trust, but all I could see was a pretty girl he used to love. I hated that I couldn’t let go of it. I knew it was my mind playing with me, head games of the worst kind. They would pass eventually and I’d get over it, forget what happened, but I was feeling rather raw at the moment.

  Austin parked the car in front of the tavern, and turned to look at me. “Are we good?” His tone was flat, and not his usual voice.

  I shrugged, “I guess.” I didn’t know what I thought, but this entire conversation caught me off guard. I needed time to process it before I let it go.

  Taking my hand, he lifted it up to his lips, kissing my fingertips. “Listen, I probably over reacted, but seeing her set me off. It was a rough time for me, and holds a lot of bad memories. When I needed somebody to be there for me, someone I thought was being faithful, waiting for me…well, some days it was all that pulled me through. I held onto that, cherished it, and then I realized I was played for a fool the entire time I was gone. Only, it wasn’t revealed right away. She let me believe she’d been faithful. It didn’t come out until later. I felt like an asshole when it was all revealed. Every time I think of her, see her, or anything to do with her, it sets me into turmoil. It’s my past, trust me, I don’t want it back. I want her to go away.”